Hits and Whacks

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

The little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."

Big John is comin'

A very small, sickly-looking man was hired as a bartender. The saloon owner gave him a word of warning: "Drop everything and run for your life if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town." The man worked several months without any problems.

Then one day a cowhand rushed in shouting, "Big John is comin'," and knocked the small bartender on the floor in his hurry to get out.

Before the bartender had a chance to recover, a giant of a man with a black bushy beard rode into the saloon through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, and using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off their hinges, knocked over tables, and flung the snake into the corner.

He then took his massive fist and split the bar in half as he asked for a drink. The bartender nervously pushed a bottle at the man. He bit off the top of the bottle with his teeth and downed the contents in one gulp, and turned to leave. Seeing that he wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked the man if he would like another drink.

"I ain't got no time," the man roared. "Big John is comin' to town."

25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages car pooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language

The Ultimate Bad Day

Really sick husband

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week."

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Where Does It Hurt???

A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back passage.

The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfort but endures the pain.

Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some KY-Jelly.

Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second suppository. Sure enough, he can't reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do.

The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror.

"What's the matter?" asks his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

INTERESTING FACTS...("I NEVER KNEW THAT!")..........

1. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12,345,678,987,654,321.

2. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

3. No word in the English language rhymes with month,orange, silver, and purple.

4. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

5. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

6. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

7. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2nd, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

8. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

9. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

10. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

11. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

12. The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

13. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

14. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

15. Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.

16. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

17. Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with rejoice."

18. In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never did say "Play it again, Sam."

19. Sherlock Holmes never did say "Elementary, my dear Watson."

20. More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

21. The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was to poke someone's eye out.

22. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

23. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

24. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

25. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

26. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. An ostrichs eye is bigger that its brain.

29. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man.
He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"
"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."
"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done,I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."
It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile.
"Did you do a good job?" she asked.
"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes."

How to Tell if Technology Has Taken Over Your Life


1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of
the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded
that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least
one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with
laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to
send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the
next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean,
and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain
it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your
own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged
into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and
you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the
pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters
your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house
without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that
you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information
about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-
quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know
where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a
nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure
enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology
question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that
you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the
phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people
face-to-face.

A Young mother was once again pregnant and trying to explain to her little girl how she had got that way.
She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took and egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and mommy made the egg.
So the little girl asks, "So if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there. Does mommy swallow it?"

Her mother replies. "She does if she wants a new cocktail dress."

One day, little Johnny was walking to school with his pet turtle for show and tell. While he was on his way, a truck drove by and startled him. Johnny dropped the turtle and the truck ran it over killing it instantly. Johnny went along to school anyway. When the class all finished doing their show and tell projects, the teacher finally called on Johnny,
"Johnny, where is your show and tell for today?" Johnny replied,
Well teacher it's like this, I was walking to school with my pet turtle and a truck drive by and scared me. I dropped the turtle and the truck ran his ASS right over and killed him!"
His teacher was in shock and very sternly stated,
"Johnny, we don't use that kind of language in school. We say rectum."
Johnny said, "Rectum . . it killed him!"

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "It worked for your butt, didn't it?"

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING DEPT........

* All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

* If she were life size, Barbie's measurements are: 39-23-33.

* "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

* All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

* Almonds are members of the peach family.

* Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

* Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

* There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

* The longest place-name still in use is:

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaunga- horonukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.

* Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

* A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

* Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

* In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed

on a watch is 10:10.

* Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

* The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

* The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

* The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

* A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

* A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

* On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

* The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

* Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Why it's Paul Reiser himself.

* The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

* The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

* The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

* Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

* John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

* The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

* There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

* "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

STRANGE BUT TRUE:

*Non-dairy creamer is flammable.


*The longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is lollipop.

*Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands.

*A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

*In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.

*A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.

*The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.

*The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments

*The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.

*The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

*The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

*The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

*Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

*The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles in beer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons.

*The word 'pound' is abbreviated 'lb.' after the constellation 'libra' because it means 'pound' in Latin, also 'scales'. The abbreviation for the British Pound Sterling comes from the same source: it is an 'L' for Libra/Lb. with a stroke through it to indicate abbreviation. Sames goes for the Italian lira which uses the same abbreviation ('lira' coming from 'libra'). So British currency (before it went metric) was always quoted as "pounds/shillings/pence", abbreviated "L/s/d" (libra/solidus/denarius).

*Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

*Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

*The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".

*Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

*Camel's milk does not curdle.

*In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

*An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

*Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

*The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

*Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

*All porcupines float in water.

*Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.

*Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

*The world's largest wine cask is in Heidelberg, Germany.

*Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."

*Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

*If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.

*St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers.

*The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation Desert Shield was "Rock the Casba" by the Clash.

*The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

*The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

*Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.

*The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanastan.

*The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru: See no evil, Mikazaru: Hear no evil, and Mazaru: Speak no evil.

*When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.

*The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

*Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

SEMINARS FOR MEN  (Harvey Kern)

1. Combating Stupidity

2. You, too, can do housework

3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut

4. How to fill an ice tray

5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- give us money

6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am

7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks")

8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception

9. Get a life -- learn to cook and then clean up the kitchen

10. How not to act like a jerk when you're obviously wrong

11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right

12. Understanding your financial incompetence

13. You -- The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons to give flowers

16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb

18. You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try

19. The morning dilemma: shower first, THEN breakfast

20. I'll wear it if I damn well please

21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled "No, it is not a bidet")

22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms

23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are hooey.

24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost

25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency

26. Romanticism -- ideas other than sex

27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes

28. Mother-in-laws -- They are often people, too

29. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home

30. You too can be a designated driver

31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked")

32. Changing your underwear -- it really works

33. Techniques for calling home

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

1. "Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"

2. Appropriate rhetorical questions (formerly titled "Honey, do these pants make my butt look fat?")

3. Elementary Map Reading

4. Crying and law enforcement

5. Advanced Math Seminar -- How to program your VCR

6. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours

7. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast

8. The Seven-Outfit Week vs. the Seven-Week Outfit

9. PMS -- it's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly titled "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty -- Deal With It")

10. Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission

11. Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights

12. Driving III: Approximating a constant speed

13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving -- It's as Simple as Oil and Water

14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game -- A Sacrament

15. Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")

16. How to Earn Your Own Money but Spend His

17. Giftgiving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")

18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side (formerly titled "Look Before You Sit : Its That Simple")

19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup

20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

21. We forget birthdays, you forget sports stars: LET'S DROP IT

22. MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments

23. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

March 19, 1999